A Codependent Mind

What is codependency? And from where do codependent behaviors emerge? Every 'codependent' has an origin story. This is Brian's.
The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
* We have learned a lot as we have done this podcast. One thing Brian realized is that he underestimated the impact his parent's behaviors, particularly his father's, had on him. We talk about his father a little in the next episode on Trauma, but if you want to hear his updated thinking on the topic, you can listen to Season 3, episode 5, Beyond Codependency - Family of Origin
In this episode:
00:01:41 What is codependency?00:04:47 History of the word00:08:01 Codependency as maladaptive behavior habits00:09:49 Origins of Brian’s codependent behavior habits00:25:44 The specific behaviors that form ’codependency’
 
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Find us on Instagram @codependentmind 
Email: codependentmind@gmail.com

Often codependence behaviors emerge as a response to trauma. What is trauma? How is it different then other stressful, even violent, events? What is it like to live with unhealed trauma? This is Brian's story. 
The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
In this episode:
00:00:55 What is trauma?00:02:38 Working definition of trauma00:05:01 Chronic or complex trauma00:06:10 Family dynamics00:09:21 The lasting effects of trauma00:12:24 Codependent behaviors as trauma responses00:16:03 Trauma and helplessness00:18:17 Trauma triggers00:22:55 Interpersonal trauma
* We have learned a lot as we have done this podcast. One thing Brian realized is that he underestimated the impact his parent's behaviors, particularly his father's, had on him. If you want to hear his updated thinking on the topic, you can listen to Season 3, episode 5, Beyond Codependency - Family of Origin
Website: https://www.codependentmind.com/
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The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
In this episode, Stephanie and Brian discuss the concept of trauma bonding within codependent relationships, particularly focusing on two of Brian's past romantic relationships characterized by abuse and narcissistic behavior. They highlight the two key ingredients necessary for trauma bonding: a power imbalance and intermittent abuse.
Brian describes his first partner, referred to as "R," as a successful narcissist who engaged in narcissistic abuse and gaslighting. The abuse focused on undermining Brian's self-esteem and identity, making him feel inadequate and ashamed. Despite the abuse, Brian felt emotionally tied to R, partly due to the intermittent nature of the abuse and the occasional displays of love and care.
Stephanie mentions that Brian had financial, social, and intellectual resources, which adds complexity to the question of why he stayed in these relationships. Brian explains that his low self-esteem and lack of agency, developed from early traumatic experiences, led him to believe that he needed to change and fix himself to make the relationships work.
In one instance, a therapist suggested a separation period during Brian's first relationship to find himself outside of the abusive dynamic. However, Brian couldn't detach herself from the trauma bond and continued trying to change herself to please his partner.
After his first abusive relationship ended, Brian quickly entered into another one that lasted for four years. In this new relationship, He encountered another abusive narcissist, "J", although this person was less socially and emotionally successful, making their flaws more evident to others. There was an initial love bombing phase in both relationships, where Brian received excessive attention, flattery, and compliments. Despite feeling disoriented and recognizing some red flags, Brian struggled to establish boundaries due to his codependency and low self-esteem.  J's abuse was somewhat different than R's. It involved explosive coercive language and anger, and featured manipulation and seeking sympathy. Brian describes going into a "turtle shell" during abusive episodes to cope.
We discuss how trauma bonding can distort one's sense of self and agency, making it challenging to leave abusive relationships or even recognize the abuse. Brian's experiences highlight the importance of understanding trauma bonds and their profound impact on codependent individuals.
00:00:41 Definition of trauma bonding00:01:31 Key ingredients of a trauma bond00:04:43 Brian’s trauma bond with R00:05:44 Gaslighting explained00:07:42 Brian’s trauma bond with J00:08:50 Love bombing explained00:13:33 How the trauma bond worked00:22:30 The internal battle00:25:51 Shame00:35:18 Trauma bond vs intimacy
 
Thank you for liking or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast. 
Find us on Instagram @codependentmind 
Email: codependentmind@gmail.com

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
Narcissists are an especially dangerous and toxic pairing for people with codependent behaviors, due to the way each person’s maladaptive behaviors work together. In this episode we discuss the general characteristics of narcissism and then detail Brian's two, back-to-back, romantic relationships with abusive narcissists. 
In this episode:
00:01:25 Common characteristics of narcissist
00:02:18 The codependency - narcissism connection
00:03:59 Narcissistic abuse
00:05:21 The beginning of relationships/lovebombing
00:10:20 Financial control
00:12:09 The narcissist’s script
00:12:47 A portrait of R
00:15:19 Gaslighting example
00:21:16 A portrait of J
00:31:10 A tale of two narcissists
 
Thank you for liking or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast. Find us on Instagram @codependentmind Email: codependentmind@gmail.com
Website: https://www.codependentmind.com/

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
What is involved in the concept of 'personal agency'? How is agency or its lack connected to codependent behaviors? We explore Brian's experience with those questions in mind.
What is involved in the concept of 'personal agency'? How is agency or its lack connected to codependent behaviors? We explore Brian's experience with those questions in mind.
In this episode:00:02:44 Personal agency defined00:04:51 How it develops/gets interrupted00:07:41 Lack of agency and vulnerability to abuse00:11:45 Codependent behaviors as an expression of powerlessness00:14:13 Codependency and chronic victimhood00:15:45 Moral agency and shame00:19:48 Resentment
 
Thank you for liking or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast. 
Find us on Instagram @codependentmind 
Email: codependentmind@gmail.com
Website: https://www.codependentmind.com/

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
Shame evolved to give us information about the world. But trauma induced shame can be overwhelming and crippling, even life-threatening. Understanding the role shame played in his life and fueled his codependent behaviors, was key to Brian's healing process. 
In this episode:
00:01:32 Shame vs Guilt and Embarrassment
00:05:32 Why does shame exist?
00:10:07 How narcissists use shame
00:12:20 Freezing and avoiding
00:14:57 Self-destructive behaviors
00:15:30 Shame venting
00:17:28 Shame rage/resentment
00:19:29 Telling stories to avoid shame
00:21:12 Compartmentalization
00:24:11 Shame and abuse
 
Find us on Instagram @codependentmind to ask questions or share your story.

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
The process of learning what emotions are and how manage them was interrupted for Brian at a very early age by abuse and trauma.  Because of that, he never really learned how to identify his emotions or what to do with them.  This amounted to emotional immaturity and made it difficult for him to form healthy, intimate relationships and left him vulnerable to further abuse and trauma.
In this episode:
00:02:29 The term emotional immaturity
00:03:13 Emotional intelligence
00:05:42 Brian’s emotional avoidance
00:09:45 Good vs bad emotions
00:10:42 Emotional dysregulation
00:16:02 Compartmentalization
00:23:56 Emotions as a source of fear
00:27:36 Recap of season 1
 
Find us on Instagram @codependentmind to ask questions or share your story.

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This season explores how Brian worked to 're-make' his codependent mind. In this episode we discuss the challenges that Brian faced in getting started on that process and what was needed for him to begin to heal both the trauma and the codependency. 
00:01:55 Background on Brian and Stephanie00:04:11 The need for human connection00:11:50 Recognizing abuse00:32:05 Managing shame00:37:00 Wrong narratives and self-gaslighting00:41:10 Putting the pieces in place to begin
Find us at: https://www.codependentmind.com/ 
 

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
In this episode we discuss the steps that Brian took to repair the damage done to his emotional system by abuse and trauma. From capacity building through understanding and now working on mastery, Brian has been able to tame the chaos that has dominated his inner emotional life and learn to trust himself and his emotions. 
00:02:09 Emotional agency00:03:08 Shame and fear00:04:18 Decision making00:07:10 Healing the emotional substructure00:13:30 Managing shame00:28:31 Capacity building to understanding00:39:50 De-compartmentalization  
 Find us at: https://www.codependentmind.com/
 

The paperback and eBook version of the first two seasons of this podcast are now available on Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYB1K31V
Stories are powerful tools to help us understand ourselves and our lives. Unfortunately for Brian, many of the stories he adopted or told did just the opposite - served to further cloud and obfuscate what was happening in his internal and external life. In this episode we discuss how he uncovered the true stories of who he was and what had happened to him. 
00:02:01 The role of stories00:03:32 Compartmentalization00:05:05 Social scripts00:09:39 Abuse and stories00:19:26 Lying and shame00:22:08 Re-writing processFind us at: https://www.codependentmind.com/